Have you ever had a dream that changed your life?
I hadn’t until Wednesday, June 10, 2020. My husband, Brandon, was out of town for work. I had had a long night of discussion with a dear friend of mine discussing the race dispute going on in America at the moment. At 10:00 p.m. my kids were still awake playing and I had not called my husband to tell him goodnight, because I had been so engrossed in the discussion with my friend for hours. When I realized the time, I quickly put the kids to bed and did an abbreviated and combined version of their bedtime routines, and I immediately following called Brandon.
I explained to him what the delay had been and apologized for not calling sooner. To which he responded that he had been working late anyway, so it was really perfect timing. Now, normally, when Brandon travels our conversations consist of catching up on the day for all parties, I usually have at least one funny story to share about one of the kids, our conversation carries wherever the wind blows and we end with I love you and goodnight. We normally do not pray together when he travels. With all that we have been through as a family for the past year and half, we have begun bathing ourselves and our kids in prayer despite any obstacle. The past year and a half, how God has been showing us the power that comes with our agreement in the spiritual and physical in prayer out loud are stories for another day. After we said goodnight and our I love you’s, I interjected that we had forgotten to pray together. To which Brandon responded, okay… go ahead. I always want him to pray, but for the sake of my exhaustion, I didn’t dispute, I said a quick prayer of gratitude and covering, and we ended our call. I was so exhausted I didn’t even put my phone on the charger or rollover. I dropped my head face down into my pillow and I was out.
Now for the good part, the dream. My dream was intense. It was the kind you sweat in, but in this dream I actually thought I was dying and I fully believe that in the physical my body was responding in accordance. In my dream, my heart was physically hurting. I felt like my heart was being smashed together and pulled apart at the same time. But, you see, physical pain is no stranger for me, so just like in my everyday life, I had things to do, so I went about my work. There were friends and family in my dream, all distantly spaced (about six feet apart, go figure), and I had this urgency and understanding that I needed to be quick about my business and complete my mission well and with haste, because my time on Earth with them was ending, and I had to give them the answers and solutions they seek to live life abundantly before I died. It was that serious. You can imagine the conversations I was having with each of them. Stop worrying, God has you. Believe. Have Faith. Adopt that baby. I was speaking on behalf of God and quoting scripture. Squeezing them with every ounce of humanity left in me. And leaving them with words of wisdom.
As I hastily conversed with each person, around me a cyclone had formed. We were in the middle of a tornado/hurricane like formation (yes, very Dorothy in Kansas like). In the cyclone were Polynesian warrior men doing the Haka war chant adding intensity to the moment. My heart pain continued to worsen. Grasping my chest, I had just concluded conversing with one person and I was looking up deciding which person to go to next, and, suddenly, from behind I feel Brandon’s hands on my shoulders and his calming presence overwhelm me, he leaned forward and whispered, “what about us?” And in that moment, the cyclone faded off into the distance, I lost sight of everything else. Everything was pure and white around me. My heart pain dulled, I could no longer hear the chants, it was calm and peaceful in that moment, in Brandon’s presence, hearing his voice, feeling his hands on my shoulders. After a moment of stillness and peace, it occurred to me that I had been so focused on everyone else that I had not even seen what was missing; what Brandon was asking about, those closest to me, my husband and my two precious children were not there. And in that moment, I questioned why he was asking me that and responded to him, “what about you?” Was there something wrong i was unaware of? Were they not okay? Doubting the question as it formed in my mind, because I knew they were good.
But that was not what Brandon was asking me… was it?
Never seeing Brandon’s face, my eyes opened. As I stared at my ceiling fan processing what just happened and questioning which experience was reality. My chest pain returned, and what happened next was almost an out of body experience. I do not feel as though I was consciously making these decisions, I fully believe my spirit-man was driving the ship and my body was simply following orders. Even the words that came out of my mouth seemed involuntary, as if the depths of my mind was speaking for itself, without hesitation or filter.
In one fell swoop I reached over and dialed my last call, “My Love.” As the phone rings I notice the time, it was 3:33 a.m. This stuck with me as significant as Brandon answered on the third ring. [You see, throughout 21 days of prayer that we did with our church earlier in the year, God had woken me up as if I had had a full nights rest at 2:22 a.m. many mornings and compelled me to have my time with him and prepare for my time with Brandon and the Lord, which happened at 5:30 a.m.] But back to that night, Brandon answered as most would to a call from home in the wee hours of the morning with their wife crying on the other end. “Hello?” “Are you okay?” I simply and tearfully exploded with, “yes, everything is fine. I just need you to pray for me. I’m having a moment and I need your prayer covering. Please pray for me.” I pleaded. To which my sweet husband did not hesitate. He rustled his covers and began to pray. I laid the phone on my chest, speaker down, facing my heart, and I began to pray in my spirit language.
“at the same time the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we don’t know how to pray for what we need. But the Spirit intercedes along with our groans that cannot be expressed in words.”Romans 2:26
Brandon prayed the most beautiful sincere prayer I have ever heard anyone pray. I can honestly say that for the first time I was fully listening to Brandon’s words while letting my spirit utter using my mouth as it needed. It was truly the most beautiful moment.
During Brandon’s prayer, my heart continued to ache, and the pain moved down into my entire midsection, almost overwhelming me. This painful deep groan came from deep within me and then released out of my mouth and into the air of bedroom. And just like that, the pain was gone, and I was laying there with Brandon still praying in the most peaceful, blissful, joyfilled, relaxed state.
Brandon concluded praying and paused for a moment, then asked me, “Danielle, have you forgiven [person’s name]?” Another involuntary, unwarranted, unwanted, unbridled response arose out of me. I replied, “No, why would I?” “[Pronoun] came after me and my family, and attacked me.” Brandon just paused and replied ever so sweetly, “let’s pray about that.” He began to pray. The water works came, along with the most amazing heart change, right there in that moment; I had an understanding of true forgiveness dropped in my heart. I had been living it wrong all these years. I was missing a key element, a cornerstone. Having the mentality of a survivor my whole life had misconstrued the true pure forgiveness God intended for me to have for myself and extend to others along my journey.
After a long pause, another burst of raw beauty came out of my mouth. With my whole heart I cried out to Brandon apologetically and deep gratitude. I apologized for ever taking him for granted and for ever leading when I should have been following his lead. I apologized for doubting him, and for putting church or my mission before him and our family. I ended by simply saying, “I am so so sorry. Please forgive me.” To which he replied, “You don’t need to apologize to me. I love you. I’m here for you. We’re good. it’s going to be okay.” We exchanged I love you’s and got off the phone.
I gathered myself, took a deep breath, thanked God for his goodness and love, and got up to go check on my kids. To my surprise, the commotion did not wake them. I obviously did not go back to sleep. I dug into the Word, and that is pretty much where I have been for the past three weeks where the Lord has given me much revelation. [I cannot wait to share with you.]
For the first time in my adult life, I experienced a heart change. I got to experience a touch from the Holy Spirit. In the middle of mass chaos and need in the world, the trinity came to my bedroom at 3:33 a.m., touched me and gave me the sweetest gift of understanding. And my precious husband, walked me through it. What a delight…
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’Jeremiah 33:3